Can I Ask A Question

Working with teens and families for the past 18 years I have encountered a lot of different dynamics, circumstances and man do I have a lot of stories I can share. The type of stories that people genuinely don’t always believe because of how over the top and unbelievable they are. 

But in all of the stories, experience & circumstances I have encountered there are a few very powerful constants I count on.

One of those constants is this simple encounter; “Can I ask you a question"

At the surface it may not feel like much but I have learned that when a teen or parent asks this of you there is something lurking that will need your full attention.

Sure, it can be in passing asking you a logistic about a camp or a retreat you are running that seems simple but think about it for just a second.

“Hey how are you getting to the camp?”  

A logistical question from a parent but what is behind that question? Do they need assurance that their son/daughter will be safe? Do they want to be sure the appropriate vehicles will be used? 

Sometimes the questions one can be asked can seem annoying or intrusive but to the asking party they have legitimacy.

Friends of mine who are teachers can be really frustrated with constant questions from students & parents. I mean the syllabus spells out the assignments, the grading system is online and reviewable and the monthly email to parents has everything they need…what else could be left unsaid?

When families have an insane pace and details to juggle it is easy to see when the details of certain things get lost.

When I have teens or families approach me with this question I remember three things:

1.I've earned something in their world.

Somehow out of my position or my posture I have earned the fact that they come to me to ask questions.  

These questions may be simple or may be really significant.

It may be the 12 year old questioning why their parent has a cancer diagnosis. It may be the 40 year old whose spouse walks out on the family and they are now a single parent. 

The moment they ask the question, you need to be ready to walk with them through the answers.

Since I’ve earned the ability for them to come to me with their questions

2.Don’t abuse the moment

Be very careful about how and why you answer anyone with your response. A moment of simple trust may be a crisis moment later.  

Yes sometimes I get asked really ridiculous questions but patience & care look better publicly than annoyance & agitation.

My care for them in receiving the question & responding to the question will speak deeply about my care for them as people and what they are dealing with.

3.Keep listening, listening & listening

We never know what else they actually may want to talk about. Sometimes the simple “what did you do this weekend” is really prep for the moment they share that “I found out my family is in crisis”

Listen for more in each question.  

Leadership is a responsibility to help people navigate their world. Regardless of how we perceive it, their world isn’t our world.  

Can I ask you a question, Will you care for those that come to you?